Repeat after me: I did not fail my diet. My diet failed me. Over the last month, and with a lot of help from the jessijeannn Dear Body podcast, I’ve been reflecting on my relationship with food, eating habits, and self image. I finally have the words to describe the brain-level struggles with this all-or-nothing restriction/compulsion cycle I have been fighting my entire adult life. I weeble-wobble my way from strict white-knuckle grip of control over every little nutrient that enters my body, to an “eff it” mentality when I grow weary from restriction. Again and again. It’s exhausting. Along the way, I monitor every pound lost with cautious optimism, and every pound gained with disgust. It is a cycle born out of trauma and perpetuated by stress and discomfort in my own skin.
I’ve come to the realization that doing rounds of Whole30 has fueled my binge/restrict cycles and has ultimately not served me. That said, the ingredients in these recipes do make me feel my best. So for that reason, I will continue whipping up recipes with whole ingredients that make me feel good (whole30 and paleo ingredients primarily). But I will no longer restrict my eating via dieting. I will no longer label foods as things I “can” or “can’t” eat. I will work to no longer attach morality and failure/success with what I do and do not eat. I will no longer beat myself up and speak harshly to myself. I don’t deserve that. But let me tell ya…letting go is TERRIFYING.
I am officially starting my journey to repair my relationship with food and get to a better place of respect and compassion for the body I call home. Showing my face (and body) at my heaviest weight to honor myself. I feel beautiful in this picture, and my weight plays no role. The recipes will continue, but the restriction will not. It’s time to heal.
